Valley of the Sun - Deadlands

The Professor's New Invention

Prof. Mordecai Erasmus Oglethorpe, the 20th day of May in the year 1880, in the company of the Troubleshooters enroute to the Cedar City symposium:

Travelling in the company of like-minded colleagues on this train has been quite invigorating, and more importantly a source of significant inspiration. I have been reminded of the wide range of scholarly inquiry and the intersectionality of seemingly disparate disciplines. To that end, I pondered the possibilities of a synthesis of the revolutionary discoveries of young Victor and the equally brilliant Henry.

Such an amalgamation is made possible through that most wonderful molecular motion which is called electrolysis. Similar to the exemplar of an electric current passing through acidulated water, and causing oxygen to appear at one electrode and hydrogen at the other. In the space between, the water is perfectly calm, and yet two opposite currents of oxygen and of hydrogen must be passing through it. The physical theory of this process has been studied by Clausius, who has given reasons for asserting that in ordinary water the molecules are not only moving, but every now and then striking each other with such violence that the oxygen and hydrogen of the molecules part company, and dance about through the crowd, seeking partners which have become dissociated in the same way. In ordinary water these exchanges produce, on the whole, no observable effect, but no sooner does the electromotive force begin to act than it exerts its guiding influence on the unattached molecules, and bends the course of each toward its proper electrode, till the moment when, meeting with an unappropriated molecule of the opposite kind, it enters again into a more or less permanent union with it till it is again dissociated by another shock. Electrolysis, therefore, is a kind of diffusion assisted by electromotive force.

The final piece of the puzzle I must acknowledge came from one of the hopeful contenders in the upcoming symposium. My observation of a swarm of clockwork arachnids sparked my epiphany, as a small automaton similar to a Chelicerata could be used as a delivery vehicle for a miraculous elixir. Nay, rather than a clockwork arachnid, an automaton in the likeness of Scarabaeus sacer would provide proper respect to the Sacred Scarab, the symbol Egyptologist refer to as a representation of transformation. I was able to create some prototype clockwork scarabs from available components. If my hypotheses are proven correct, my tincture combining the properties of Victor’s and Henry’s elixirs can be delivered into the spinal cord or brain stem through an electrified subcutaneous injection, energizing and revivifying a previously lifeless cadaver.


Murder on the Hellstrome Express

Our train full of mad scientists pulls into Cedar City, full of clockwork spider parts and holes. Who murdered Patton Riddle, and who will claim first prize at the symposium? Ride on to find out!

Quotes 5/14/17

Evee – McCloud likes the torture (talking about him setting himself up for our jokes), you know, bound, gagged and spanked

(The group makes fun of McCloud’s brow raising relationship with Sparkleface, again, to which McCloud reacts)
McCloud – you know, if all of you females would pay McCloud some much deserved attention…
Maddie – He (points to Cid’s character) got a shave, cleaned up and even some perfume water… you refused!
DJ – Besides, they’ve all heard the legend of “one nut McCloud”
Kimi – I didn’t just hear that legend, sweetheart, I was there…

(After failed negotiations with the Sioux attacking the train, Kimi sighs audibly)
Kimi – stupid boys…
DJ – stupid braves
Kimi – Always thinking with junk…
Cid – Just like McCloud

Kimi – The only one who can take care of a Sioux, is a Sioux
DJ – Hey, don’t call McCloud Sue
Bentley – A Foy named Sue

(Bentley attempts to shoot Cid’s character, failing in his first attempt. He spends a benny to reroll and misses again, to which Cid’s character crosses his chest and prays)

Burke – The queen is next, the other queen
Bentley – God save the queen
Foy – Yeah, you didn’t like that did you, did you?!
Cid – … I’m comfortable, in who I am

McCloud – Hey why is Sparkleface shaken?
DJ – Sparkleface? She’s always shaken when you’re near
Cid – +Her heart’s fluttering

Bentley – you wake up and you hear a wind..
Maddie – McCloud! I told you not to stand so close to me

(The group notices a group of scientists on the train killing innocent buffalo, to which Kimi is very angry)
McCloud – I’m gonna roll down the window and join in
Kimi – McCloud! If you don’t watch it you’re going to become no nut McCloud
McCloud – … I don’t know if I appreciate your threats

Maddie – It’s the Thomas McCloud show!
Kimi – Staring… everyone else!
Bentley – Guest staring… Thomas McCloud
McCloud – That’s not funny…

Foy – Wait, Sparkleface is shaken again? Why is she shaken?
Burke – He put it there (about Cid)
Foy – Quit putting it there!
Cid – You were making some questionable comments that were making her nervous

Burke – He could play this character in your my little pony game (points to Mule in the book)
He can play as “my little jackass”

Quotes 5/7/17

Bentley [In reference to a Phillipine ad discussion a Phillipine ad using Wolverine to sell circumcisions: But then the podcast was cut a little short…

Bentley: The jeweler’s name is Jeremiah. It’s Jeremiah the Jeweler’s.
Barry: You mean Jeremiah the Galleria of Jewelry…

Cid (As the group is boarding the train): Sparkleface rides with McCloud.
She’s a service animal.
She performs services on him.

(McCloud sneaks under the train engine to spread ghost rock laced lubricant on the pistons.)
Bentley: Okay, you are able to grease up the pistons.
Risa: That’s McCloud’s specialty.

Bentley (to McCloud): He grabs you by the waist.
Risa: He’s not grabbing your waist, he’s grabbing the throttle.
(Everyone laughs.)
Foy: …don’t write that down.

Quotes 4/30/17

Evee – They all think there’s a cougar running rampad
Burke – Everyone’s going to go looking for a wild cougar
Risa – so is McCloud

Foy – (after putting together his dice tower) don’t touch my thing
Burke – we’ve all touched his thing
Evee – no, that side of the table hasn’t touched his thing
Cid – I don’t want to touch his thing… I don’t like sloppy seconds

Burke – Foy hasn’t drawn his benny’s
Foy – Not that I"m going to need them, I’m so good
Burke – Oh, okay, no benny for you then
Foy – The one time you actually listen…
Everyone – … What?

Risa – Well they probably wanted to roast their wiener inside (in response to there being no bad guys at the north star ranch)

Burke – I’m 48 inches away from the nearest building (measures back to Foy’s nipples)
I’m on this mountain top

Risa – (after rolling her dice) Wooh Hoo! Oh shit… wait…

Bentley – You hear…
Cid – a low moan from the corner? (talking about McCloud sitting by himself in the dark corner)

(Kimi turns into a bird in an attempt to save the giant wild buffalo from a device stuck on it’s head)
Burke/DJ – I’m going to shoot that thing on it’s head (hits with a raise and then rolls 28 points of damage)
Bentley – the box breaks, you see the creature’s eyes blink and then it explodes
Kimi – (in bird form begins angrily chirping at DJ)
Burke/DJ – I’m sorry! I didn’t know he was going to explode

Burke – Have you seen this cougar?
DJ – It’s her as a cougar, “meow”

Maddie – I want to bet on DJ to win
Bentley – I’m sure you can find someone to bet for you
Foy/McCloud – You didn’t bet for McCloud to win in his duel
Maddie – I only bet on the winner, don’t take it personal… it’s business

Quotes 4/23/17

Quotes 4/23 Not that it matters, no one’s listening anyway (Ed: Hey!)

Bentley – I got an extra draw because Foy showed up (holds up the green benny)
Risa – (to Foy) so, we lost the green benny because of you

(Bentley explodes on an 8 sider dice that Evee gave back to him)
Burke – you shouldn’t have given him that dice back

Bentley – you could turn into a mouse and wild attack
Evee – Squeek!
Bentley – maybe they’re all afraid of mice

Bentley – You could deal with the devil, its free and one action
Professor – family reunion
Kimi – I dont think the devils her father
DJ – wellll…

Bentley – He’s going to shoot Maddie…
Evee – She’s at minus two
Burke – So he missed
Bentley – I’m spending a benny
Evee – Oh, he really wants to shoot her, it was those green eyes
Risa – Yeah, they’re glowing
Evee – Or he heard me growling behind her and thought she was an evil creature
Burke – well… she is

Evee – if the warrior spirit takes over while she’s in the cougar state
Bentley – cougar state? Is that where she went to school? Oh, it’s where McCloud hung out after school
Evee – okay, I got it
Bentley – wait, don’t right the school part, it was innappropriate
Evee – exactly… which is why it’s going down
Burke – that’s also innappropriate

Evee – she could just turn into a horse and stand by the bad guys to listen
Burke – (as the bad guys) why is there an extra horse?
Foy – This horse wants me to mount it
Everyone – ewww!

Quotes 4/2/17

Bentley – Now that’s what we call “Steam Junk”
Evee – okay no… (everybody laughs) awe, now I have to write it down

And Wang makes a triumphant comeback… so here it goes…

Burke – III
Evee – II
Bentley –
Foy – I
Barry – II
Cid – I
Dan -

(Look, we managed to not fall too far back into old habits xD)

Bentley – you can tell it’s a murder of passion
Cid – Murder, suicide. They couldn’t handle their love
Barry – inconsensual cowpoking

Evee – (Bentley knocks over Barry’s figure with the tree map) and a tree knocks the professor out
Professor – and the crowd cheers
Evee – nah, that’s just Kimi…

Bentley – you won a Benny for the quotes
Evee – yeah you won with with a cow poke
Burke – nobody wins with a cowpoke…

Foy – (run into the church bell like wind chimes)
Dan – Every time Foy gets abused, an angel gets his wings

Burke – yeah, you have to go after Wang, you keep going after Wang…
Evee – that’s because he can’t keep ahold of his own Wang..

Burke – (an arrow comes out of the forest and hits Foy, who soaks it) It hit your diary
Cid – It was his Sparkleface fanfiction book
Burke – about a forbidden love between a horse and a man

Evee – stop stealing my dice rolling mojo! (to Bentley, who keeps exploding while she keeps rolling ones)

Dan – this is exactly why Wang didn’t run up to stand next to the Professor
Burke – Yeah, but there’s two dogs in the blast
Bentley – those are wolves!

Barry casts puppet on Black Dog and makes him talk on and on
Burke – Jeez, I think your name is Yapping Black Dog

n – yeah fill a bath full of holy water, she’d get out so fast

Bentley – He took one for the team (Foy)
Burke – No, he lost one for the team

(Mimicing Foy)
Burke – He’s gonna go walking down the street “look, who wants to take my right nut?”
Dan – “that’s why they call me lefty”

*McCloud – (mimicing bad guy)“McCloud, you don’t have the balls to take us…” you’re right!

Burke – (after rolling double ones)
Dan – you think the guy by the barrel is the boss, shoot him (talking about McCloud)
Cid – No nut McCloud

Burke – you’re butt stroking (about Dan hitting someone with the butt of his gun)
Barry – Don’t say that, McCloud gets jealouse

Evee – (to Burke) Yeah, shooting into Melee… again
Burke – Hey, I’ve got a D10 in shooting! (Okay Risa)

Quotes 3/26/17

Burke – (talking about McCloud’s unmentionables) well, if it’s Bionic, then wouldn’t it glow in dark? A little mini glow stick
Bentley – like a light saber, or a very light saber

Burke – (to Evee) is your dog still alive? Is moon moon still around?
Evee – Damn it moon moon!

Bentley – a pack of wolves is devouring a cow in the heard
Burke – how could you let this happen (to Kimi)
Barry – control your family!
Evee – I don’t control the wolves

Bentley – well it looks like your straw (talking to Burke) is in his cup (to Foy)
Burke – … it is
Evee – he’s grumbly because I don’t want to use his straw… I have a germ thing
Bentley – so what you’re saying, is you care what she sucks? Huh Foy?
Foy – huh? How did I get into this?

Burke – we could just handcuff the cows feet so they can’t walk
Bentley – First you kill the poor wolves, now you’re antagonizing the cows… when will it end
Burke – I don’t know, when will this campaigne end?

Evee – we could just put a fake cow out there…
Professor – we could dress McCloud up as a cow!
Burke – Moo for us! You can do better than that
Foy – what happens if a bull comes a long?
Burke – That’s the true meaning of ‘cow poke’

Evee – a bird ran into me… like a real bird when I just walked outside
Bentley – well it is the duck and decanter
Barry – what kind of bird was it?
Evee – a sparrow
Barry – well see, then it’s not welcome here, this isn’t the sparrow and decantor
Bentley – It will forever be known as ’Broken Sparrow"

Evee – (to Burke) see, some men can explode twice… (to Bentley’s dice roll)
Burke – well apparently Bentley can
Bentley – apparently I can what?
Evee – nothing! Nevermind. Don’t tell him
Burke – well I can tell him if you want…
Evee – no! That’s okay
Bentley – well I am just a natural…
Burke – Evee thought it was funny that you exploded twice…
Bentley – I don’t get it…

Barry – McCloud looked like he needed some nuts…
Burke – to replace the ones he lost

Bentley – who are you, hop off Casady?
Evee – oh my god, really?!

Bentley – Marshall Tate
Barry – Tate?
Burke – Like tator tots

Evee – All he managed to do was spread all the bad guys around so it’s going to be harder for us to kill them…
Bentley – And now they’re all in cover
Evee -(sarcasm)…Thank you professor
Bentley – Now we have seperation anxiety…

Bentley – Evee gets a wound
Evee – I soaked, it’s my turn (moves closer, just inside of short range) I don’t like being shot (shoots him with 22 points of damage)

The Professor's Musings on Victor's Work

As we continue our journey, my mind is drawn back to invigorating conversations of the past. My young friend Victor, that brilliant surgeon and scientist, had made some revolutionary advances in the understanding of biology. His passion, the driving force of his indefatigable determination, was to discover the secret to piercing the veil between life and death. He maintained death was not the inevitable end of existence, but a state that could be reversed provided the proper application of biological and chemical compounds. These compounds are known to us, as the existing foundation of scientific knowledge has chronicled the finest details of human anatomy. However, the illusive key to the process of revivification is what Victor referred to simply as “the Spark”. We spent many nights discussing and debating theories for successfully igniting that spark through a process that would fan the flames of life.

My thoughts wander through these memories, the landscape through which we travel serving as reminders of Victor’s brilliance and vision. The corpses that seem to pile up in our wake regardless of where we go provide an ample supply of potential test subjects. I will endeavor to continue these inquiries with the hope of finding the secret of the spark.

Quotes 3/12/17

Here’s the Quotes

Risa/Maddie – I only have a D4-2 in clairvoyance
Evee/Kimi – Yeah, me too… wel, I could justask the spirits, I have a D8 in that
Risa/Maddie – Yeah, me to… I have a D8 in that
Evee/Kimi – …well, kind of. I talk to spirits, you trade with demons

Evee – (to Burke as he throws the wolf’s figure out) don’t throw him
Burke – Eh, he’s plastic
Evee – you’re gonna kill him before he gets the chance to die for me

Foy/McCloud – I’m sorry, am I wearing a shirt that says “rapist” on it?
Risa/Maddie – yeah, it says “the rapist” as in “therapist”
(Trust him, he’s a Doctor)

BurkeDJ – Howdy Suga’
Bentley/Mr. Fisher – Who you callin’ suga’?
Burke/DJ – well, it wasn’t the mouse in ya’ pocket
Evee/Kimi – squeak squeak
Bentley/Mr Fisher – I ain’t got no mouse in ma’ pocket
Burke/DJ – I’m sure Mrs. Fisher is sorry to hear that

Risa/Maddie – Don’t you see my beautiful green eyes? (flutters her eyes at him)
Bentley/Mr. Fisher – that’s the color of vile

Bentley – What in the devil’s name are you doing running into me?
Foy/McCloud – well, I know the devil’s name… It’s Maddie
Risa/Maddie – No, that’s my boss… not me

Foy/McCloud – Leave my horse out of this
Risa/Maddie – your horse got you into this…
Burke/DJ – maybe if you wren’t getting into your horse…
Evee/Kimi – yeah… wait.. eww!

In a random, yet funny turn of events Mccloud gets his… “unmentionables” shot off… and Kimi, being the only healer has to put humpty dumpty back together… much to her utmost disgust…

Sid/Clint – So he dies (talking about McCloud) and comes back as a harrowed with his unmentionables missing.

Risa/Madde – where’s the professor, let him heal it
Sid/Clint – Then he’ll be radioactive
Burke/DJ – like the bionic man
Evee/Kimi – or a cyborg…

Foy/McCloud – Wang where are you when I need you?!
Burke/DJ – it’s rolling away from you…
Risa/Maddie – Kimi’s got it

Sid/Clint – (Realizing that Kimi is only 17) You know what, would you only know your own anatomy? So, you’re going to make it look just like yours?

Bentley – At least you got cover…
Foy/McCloud – Bullshit! I got my dick shot off hiding behind a barrel!

Foy/McCloud – Im’ make the face of a guy who just had his wi-wi shot off…
Sid/Clint – it’s not a ‘wi-wi’ anymore, now it’s just a ‘wi’

Bentley – your indian name shall be…
Evee/Kimi – man with no junk…
Sid/Clint – Broken Arrow

Burke/DJ – I’ve shot crooked Marshalls before…
Bentley – Talk to McCloud about crooked

(I look forward to you reading these ones out loud Bentley) – Evee


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