Valley of the Sun - Deadlands

Save Sparkleface!

(While discussing which useful sea creature Kimi should turn herself into)
Risa – You should turn into SpongeBob!
Evee – That seems relatively useless
Bentley – No, we’ll use her to clean the deck!
Foy – I can take a bath with her
All – Eww!
Foy – You’re the one who keeps saying I need to take a bath, you’re the reason that McCloud’s always dirty

Burke – Yeah they can’t stand your axe body spray (to Foy)
Evee – Ugh, axe body spray… You mean ass body spray. That stuff smells awful.

Cid – Tentacles in the port hole
Burke – Is that a euphemism for something?

Dan – McCloud did the coolest thing last time, he dives off the ship backwards while shooting both pistols!
Foy – Yeah, with a rope tied around his ankle…
Dan – Yeah, it was really cool…
Evee – And of course, Kimi wasn’t there to see it…
Burke – So, she doesn’t believe it happened

(Two bad guys are trying to attack Kimi, who is currently in Shark form)
Dan – Those two guys are trying to… jump the shark (buh dum psttt)

(Clint bravely throws himself between the big bad and Maddie, spending a benny to ensure his victory)
Evee – if Cid has a code of honor, he should get a benny for protecting Maddie…
Cid – No, I don’t want it…
Burke – Take the benny! You rarely get benny’s as it is…
Evee – you earned it….
Cid – well, she’s evil, I don’t want to be rewarded for protecting evil
Maddie – Hey! I’m not evil!

Bentley – McCloud, time for you to shine
McCloud – what you talking about? I’ve been shining all night
Cid – Mooning us doesn’t count as shining…
Dan – (singing) moon shine, moon shine

Dan – McClint…
Bentley – isn’t that a thing?
Evee – Yeah, when you smoosh two names together because those people are together…
Foy – That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard… No don’t write that down!
Evee – too late!

Risa – Bubbles McCloud, McCloud’s new nickname!

Evee – wait, so if those two are McClint, are they McWang?
Risa – no, it’s Cloudy Wang
Burke – no, it’s Dick Wang. The name is Wang, Richard Wang.

We need a bigger boat!
Quotes for August 27th

Aboard the Orca our intrepid heroes meet with a salvage captain named William Blumequist and he promptly hires us (somebody let Wang talk for us again!) to provide him some security from some sneaky Channel Chompers. It seems his last crew were not quite up to the task. He needed some fresh meat…
He is using a diving suit to remove precious items from the sunken estate of the late (presumably quite drowned) Richard Harrison.
Wang is in the front deck, McCloud is in the crow’s nest, and Clint? Clint is sleeping below decks.

Dan: Clint sleeps with the fishes!
Bentley: He wakes up with a haddock!

Dan: Which way does McCloud go?
Bentley: Both ways!
Dan: …according to Sparkleface!

Foy makes a crowing noise when we get up.
Bentley: Rooster at sea!
Dan: Chicken of the Sea!

That’s all so far, we got up to some hijinks but saved the best for later (when we would have more personell!

Quotes 8/27/17

Puns –
Burke – you could call it a… Necessity
Evee – you mean like a bear necessity?

McCloud – You brought your ghoul-friends

Evee – You need a horse
Burke – I have a mule
Evee – No… I don’t want a mule, I want a horse
Burke – I don’t have a horse
Dan – I have a horse…
Burke – Of course

Bentley – You have to voluntarily shed your blood on the glyphs
Burke and Dan – (simultaneous) McCloud volunteers his blood
Bentley – If you were anemic you’d get a benny

Bentley – You can’t hold yourself
Foy – I beg to differ

Bentley – He discovers he just can’t do much with Wang
Foy – I hear that’s a common problem with older men

Bentley – okay, so we’re gonna head south to San Diego
Evee – (pushes dramatic button) dun dun duuuuuun
Burke – that’s perfect

Dan – Yeah sorry McCloud I think you might die
Evee – And I’m not going to take it for you, sorry
McCloud – (He cries like a baby)

Quotes 7/30/17

Wang jokes – to the scribes annoyance
Dan – II
Cid – II
Risa – III
Bentley – III
Evee -
Foy – II

Bentley – You’ve done such a good job learning my young niece
Cid – You could go to prison… (everyone looks at him)
Cid – What? We broke him out of prison
Maddie – we’ll meet again…
Burke – yeah at the family reunion/orgy

Bentley – We’re going to the devil’s post pile
Burke – hmm, that sounds like after…
Dan – So, we’re going to the devil’s doo doo?

Maddie – Where’s McCloud?
Burke – Right here
Maddie – McCloud always wants to be in front of Wang
Burke – Well, in front of, under, whatever…

Bentley – You heard that stalks the night…
Maddie – McCloud?
Bentley – No
Maddie – Oh wait, that’s stalks at night

Wang – So, we’re just looking for a native American…
Kimi – Yeah, she looks just like me…
DJ – Yeah, because you all look alike… Just like you all look alike (to Wang)

Cid – Off to the slave trade
Maddie – How much do you think we’d get for McCloud
Wang – We’d have to pay someone to take him
Burke – Yeah, maybe a single shot of cheap whiskey

Bentley – I’ll let you encounter a guard if you want to take him out
Dan – okay
Burke – Yeah, a little dinner, a little dancing, maybe some wine… Take him out, show him a good time

Bentley – You work for who?
DJ – I work for Kang
Evee – Oh, I thought you said Wang
DJ – I may have said Wang
Foy – (as the guard) You work for Wang, why didn’t you say so girl, come in
Dan – Here’s your sign, a shirt that says “I work for Wang”

Bentley – Just ignore the tomahawk and rifle
Cid – And testicals
Bentley – Well… He has long hair
Evee – that sounds sexist

Bentley – did you give them both bear-als
Bentley – it’s a Kodiak moment

Kimi – tell her to get on my back
Dan – you mean bear back(because Kimi turned into a bear)

Risa – That’s the one on the right, now I’m gonna do the one on the left
Dan – Bare right, bear left

Quotes 7/16/17

Burke – You look like you’re eating a mouse… (Evee with cat ears eating licorice)

Evee – I could sneak up and… Cougar it up

Foy – Maybe when he was a kid he fell into the tank at Sea World and got attacked by an squid…
Burke – Eww…
Bentley – that happened when I was a kid
Evee – what? Attacked by a squid?

McCloud – Hey we don’t do that here… Anymore… (talking about slavery)
Maddie – Except maybe to Indians…
Kimi – …
McCloud – She said it first!
DJ – Well Indians have magic, so even then… Not really
Kimi – this is why she’s my favorite… (points to DJ)

McCloud – Uh Kimi… You gonna cougar it up any time soon?
Kimi – I thought you said you could handle it? I was letting you do your thing.
McCloud – yeah, my thing needs help…
Kimi – Fine… I guess I’ll cougar it up

Maddie – You should meow at them like a cat
Evee – They look and instead of a tiny cat it’s a huge Cougar, who grins at them
Risa – with blood dripping off her teeth

Foy – Your bad guys should start carrying balls of yarn
Burke – Yeah, here kitty kitty

Risa – Screw you
Burke – Just give me something to screw
Bentley – That sounds like a pun
Evee – A dirty pun but yeah
Bentley – For the record I didn’t do it… For once

Quotes 7/23/17

Foy – McCloud’s still on his horse…
Evee – Awe, get off of sparkleface.

Bentley – we can’t own the meet up without inviting Dan first
Cid – yeah, just type out “deadlands, full to Dan”

Evee – (to Bentleys bad guy, El Heffe) doesn’t that mean “the cow”
Burke – no, that’s El Heffer, his name is El Heffe

(the group is told they’re all starving)
Cid – don’t we have a cook?
Burke – oh yeah! Wait, where’s sparkleface?
Evee -McCloud’s in the background going "sparkleface! Here, sparkleface! "

(an actual child can be heard screaming from upstairs)
Burke – the graveyard is full of banshees…
Foy – maybe McCloud’s just seen where we were
Cid – McCloud, let her go!

(the last at the counter calls out Barbara)
Cid – of, that’s me
Evee – wait, what? Do you have a secret?
Cid – no, I just use a woman’s name when I’m ordering a salad

Foy – wearing assless chaps…
Burke – well, chaps are by definition assless or they’d be pants
Foy – well that way you don’t think I have a chapped ass

(rolls a 30 to turn into a hawk)
Evee – oh, I am such an awesome hawk, I’ve got golden feathers
Bentley – alright, so hawk it up
Evee – that sounds kinda gross

Evee – we could just attack and get the fight over with…
McCloud – … I’ll be in the ship
Evee – so brave McCloud

Evee – I’m gonna give you guys the finger and…
(entire group starts laughing)
Cid – screw you guys I’m going home

Bentley – of course they both scream being attacked by a bird Cougar…
Evee – bird Cougar? So… A bougar?
Burke – no, a cird
Evee – that’s not better
Burke – it’s not supposed to be
Bentley – maybe it’s a cougird

Cid – you can’t take sleep…
Evee – Awe… Wait, it’s called slumber!
Cid – no… Still not…
Evee – Awe, but… I want it
Cid – pray to your weird gods
Evee – Hey, those are my people!
Cid – Is that why you wander around with a dog?
Evee – he’s a wolf… And that’s my father
Cid – … That explains a lot

Evee – is there anyone else up there?
Bentley – McCloud…
Evee -oh… Tempting
Burke – "oops, in so sorry McCloud, I got lost in the blood lust

Foy – how many balls does the canon have
Risa – he only has one ball
Burke – so does the canon…

Wang in Love
Love means never having to say...

My Dearest Miao-Yin,

I am sorry for not having written you more recently. I have been busy working for my honored uncle, who has many demands on his time. He has much more work than he can do himself so he has his most trusted agents to assist him. I am fortunate enough to be one of them. But he has assured me that soon we shall be together.

Indeed, I will soon be re-united with those “Troubleshooters” I wrote about before. The final undertaking that my uncle has tasked me with coincides with my return to them. I wish that you had a chance to meet them. I long to see you again, my beloved. After we are wedded, we shall make a pilgrimage to their final resting place and light prayer sticks for their noble, departed spirits. Some more than others.

Wang Cheung

Quotes 6/26/17

Evee – I’m gonna have to keep it on my phone, which is gonna be hard.
Risa – okay, so keep it short, simple and straight to the point. And keep Wang out of it…
Evee – that’s not short… But it’s funny. I’ll have to write it down.

Evee – did you just say "born in a bull "?
Bentley – no, it’s born in a bowl
Risa – I feel like that’s worst
Evee – yeah that just gross
Bentley – well I hate to change his name since he’s Canon
Evee – well, we could call him BB…
Burke – well… B… I… B… We can call him Bib
Cid – Bob!

Evee -will we be able to bring our horses?
Burke – we have before, unless he got a new boat
Bentley – he still has the same boat…
Evee – you mean berry hasn’t destroyed it yet?
Bentley – not yet… But it’s still early

Evee – Why is the ferret still out?
Burke – Oh, I forgot him
Evee – Here, I’ll just put him up here, he’s my new pet
Burke – Actually, I’ll just put him away, or he’ll fall in your drink and you’ll choke on it. Choke on a ferret.

(The group gets accosted by shark monsters)
Foy – Where’s Jack Sparrow?!

Evee – Ugh, I don’t know if I want to spend a benny
McCloud – Don’t worry Kimi, I’ll give you mouth to mouth
Evee – Oh, no! I’ll spend the benny
Bentley – It’s either die or get CPR from McCloud
Burke – I think she’d rather die

McCloud – I’ll take up the rear
Maddie – McCloud’s no one wants you to take the behind

(We find
Evee – Wait, are you afraid of heights?
Cid – Yeah… It just hasn’t come up until now.
Burke – So, as we climb up we start hearing this whimpering sound
Evee – And everyone turns and looks at McCloud
McCloud – It’s not me!

Bentley – We will take you to stalks the night
Risa – Wait, does he know McCloud?
Evee – No, he’d be stalks in the night
Burke – No, he’s stalker in the night

Maddie – Me and my uncle are going to sleep…
Burke – Wait, you and your uncle are sleeping together?
Bentley – How do you think the entire family had green eyes?

Bentley – Who’s who?
Risa – This is eyes on fire
Bentley – And this is…
Cid – Lips like sugar

Maddie – Alright snakey pants, your time is over
Clint – Don’t talk about McCloud that way

Burke – You can go to Cid and beg him to smite you
Cid – (mimicking Foy) Please touch my pistol with your special touch

Quotes 6/4/17

Quotes 6/4/17

Bentley – I got shot by a player character
Burke – Did you tell a pun?
Risa – … He told two
Burke – So that’s why he shot you…

Bentley – you see there is a grate there
Barry – that’s rather presumptious to assume that they are great
Bentley – Perhaps they’re ungreatful…
Evee – Don’t encourage the puns

Evee – Hmm, I’m trying to decide if I should cougar it up or not
Bentley – Is that a verb now?
Evee – It could be now
Bentley – OKay, write that down

(Foy gets a Joker)
Bentley – Once again, it’s the McCloud show
Foy – and I’m going to surrendor
Risa – if you surrendor, I’m gonna kill you
Foy – oh, okay…

Cid – Surrendor
Bentley – I’m warning you
Cid – what?
Bentley – are you deff?
Cid – what?
Bentley – what?
Cid – Exactly!

Burke – This says it brings the area to a stand still
Foy – Which area?
Cid – Are you talking about Foy’s area? (makes gesture)
Evee – Foy’s area comes to a stand still, seems rare

Bentley – Everyone in the area is shaken, you said something so horrible that it shakes them
Risa – No, he said he was doing something obscene
Foy – Come on guys, lets be realistic, he probably said something so sexy, that everybody got shaken from desire
Evee – Eww…
Cid – I think he just shook me for real (grabs a shaken token)
Evee – Now we know why Sparkleface is always shaking

Bentley – I can tell you about the reckoning
Risa – What’s the reckoning
Cid – Oh, I can tell you all about the reckoning…
Risa – … Oh, uh oh
Evee – The reckoning isn’t like the rapture is it?

Bentley – Rose petal sue who had a crush on Wang
Burke/Risa – Awe, well she’s going to be disappointed we don’t have any Wang
Foy – see, you opened the flood gates

The Professor's Field Test Assessment

Prof. Mordecai Erasmus Oglethorpe, the 31st day of May in the year 1880, in the company of the Troubleshooters in the aftermath of the Cedar City symposium attack:

It is unfortunate that so many were subjected to the violence and wanton destruction that took place at the symposium. It is disheartening to see colleagues, and I use this term very loosely, stoop to such simple-minded actions. Surely, I would hope that one with the intellectual potential evidenced in the creation of an exquisite automaton would have the wherewithal and mental fortitude to refrain from such base and desperate actions. It is actions such as these that perpetuate the stereotype of the “mad scientist” held by the average layperson. It was fortunate, however, that my fellow travelers and I were able to minimize the damage as well as human fatalities.

Despite the tragic loss of life, I found solace in a successful field test of the Revivification Scarab. The theorized function of electrolysis appears to have been supported. The electrolysis of my proprietary blended elixir in this first application was both efficacious and expeditious. The revivification of the subject cadavers was nearly instantaneous once the electrified subcutaneous injection was delivered. However, it was not possible to obtain an objective assessment of the effectiveness of the subjects in a typical combat situation as the heavily armed and armored automaton was impervious to most physical attacks. Future field tests will likely yield a better overall estimate of both the durability and utility of the subjects in a more mundane situation.


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